Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Somewhere in the Midfield
Sorry for my absence these days. I know I have so much to say about my journey of healing, but I am just not sure what it is. If I were a baseball player, I would find myself somewhere in the midfield -- not taking one of the bases and not committing to an outfield position. Just roaming through the midfield trying to find my position. I find myself experiencing "flashbacks" to different experiences during chemo and the various procedures and seeing them from a different perspective this time. Only this time I am not looking at it from a clinical perspective, but rather at my overall experience and I can't seem to put it to words. I just can't seem to find my position.

I have been listening over and over to Andrea Bocelli's album entitled "Andrea." There is one song in particular that brings me to tears over and over again (well there are several, but this one truly hit home). It is called "Go Where Love Goes." The entire song is beautiful, but this verse really stood out:
gather me in your arms
hold me close like Lazarus
to rise again like a bird
to fly again
in flower dreams
so love can feed your soul
love will make you whole

The words describe this strange sort of limbo place during chemo. It felt like I was being pushed so very close to the edge of life physically, but spiritually I knew I was being cradled and protected so I could fly again. I knew, and still believe, that love would make me whole. The amazing support I have received confirms this for me. When I look back at this time I recognize the darkness of the moment, yet I can also identify the beauty that has come from going through this experience. Hard as I try, it is not something I can put in words or describe for someone who has not gone through this.

Today I sent a thank you note to some very generous people in Hawaii who made a donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation in my honor. I wrote in this note that while the journey has not been easy physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I can honestly say I am glad I have had this experience. I know that it has healed me in so many ways. For the first time I feel as though I am truly embracing life. While I say that and truly feel it, I still have conflicting feelings that make me frown a little when I put the words to paper. I know there are still emotions and memories from this journey that are still surfacing. But like the cancer itself, I am ready to face them head on.

For someone who couldn't seem to find the words at the beginning of this entry, I find myself at the end of a long entry still wondering if I have truly expressed what I am feeling. I may still be in the midfield, but I am definitely grateful for still being in the game.

Written by Jeannette Vagnozzi
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Name: Jeannette
Location: Southern California, USA

This is my story about being diagnosed with breast cancer at age 39. I thought I was out of the woods, but four years late it came back. This is my quest to be a two-time survivor.

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