For some reason I can’t shake the idea of life imitating art in the last few weeks. Do you remember the movie, Moonstruck? Think back twenty years…

Johnny Cammareri (played by Danny Aiello) must leave his fiancé, Loretta Castorini (played by Cher), to visit his dying mother in Sicily. He arrives to find people holding prayerful vigil over her frail body. Miraculously, the mother makes a recovery now that her son has come to visit.

After a stream of visits from family, friends, nuns, priests, puppies, and neighbors, my mother’s condition has improved for now and we are grateful for this time we have had together as a family. It has been quite a rollercoaster that seemingly has no end, but for now things are somewhat stable. Although things remain emotionally difficult, the physical and medical needs are being addressed at home.

Unfortunately, none of us have enjoyed a steamy encounter with one of the Cammareri brothers, we have felt the love from all the prayers and well wishes from friends and family both near and far. Thank you so much for your support and continued prayers.

Labels: family, gratitude

These are the hands of women who have cared for each other, nurtured each other, loved each other.

These are the hands of women who have blessed each other, served each other, treated each other with respect.

These are the hands of the mother and daughters who have prayed together, played together, and stayed together.

These are the hands of the women who have worked hard to keep family bonds unbroken and have shared traditions and faith.

Labels: family

Labels: holidays

For the past week I have been spending nights at the hospital with my mom. She was admitted to ICU with difficulty breathing. I have watched her sleep peacefully with what appears to be an uncomfortable and annoying breathing apparatus while her body desperately tries to heal itself. My mom is an amazingly strong and vital woman and spending time with her is always filled with blessings, no matter the circumstances. She is beginning to rebound and you can see the glimmer of her old self returning through the tubes and wires monitoring her every breath, every heart beat.

Sitting up every night I have had plenty of time to think about what it means to have lived a full life. While I can look at my mom and know what an impact she has had on the world and the many lives she has touched, it has made me think about my own life in the same regard. While I can say confidently that I am proud of the woman I am and am becoming, especially when I can see my mother's traits in my actions, I know I still have much room for growth. Of course the past few years tinged by cancer have weighed heavily on my personal development, both good and bad. After emerging from the haze of chemotherapy and the physical challenge of multiple surgeries, I made a commitment to live life fully and passionately. Sadly, I think I have failed.

I remember believing during treatment that if I kept working and kept my normal routine, no matter what I looked like temporarily, cancer was not in control. I kept my work schedule in tact and kept up with my teaching schedule throughout everything. As the months since treatment continue to grow with gathering speed, I continue to maintain everything . . . and then some . . . more classes, more activities, more conferences, more committees. . . more responsibilities to everyone outside of myself. I somehow confused living passionately with being busy. Instead of the joy of living life fully propelling me forward and manifesting itself in my actions, I feel the joy diminishing with each mounting responsibility and each moment given away under the guise of living passionately.

I have grown to understand my cancer diagnosis as a pivotal time in my life. Certainly this is understandable as cancer does bring a new reality into one’s life. I find myself judging and weighing each action I make post cancer on some grand scale in comparison to the pre-cancer person. This is exactly the person I did not want to become. I did not want cancer to be the enlightenment period of my life. I want my entire life to be my enlightenment period. I want to always be growing and evolving throughout my life and not only the period where I passed through the cancer crucible, judging everything on some pre or post basis.

Once again I find myself on the precipice of great change. This time, however, the change will be two-fold. First, as much as I don’t want to face it, my family is changing. My mother is very strong and will recover and come home from the hospital once again. But the future and what it inevitably holds, is much closer than any of us want to believe. Secondly, internal change for me must be part of the equation. This must be the time that I learn what it means to live life passionately and what it takes to find that inner joy that will resound in my actions. I have to learn the difference between being busy and being present in the moment, the difference between doing several things and embracing the things I am doing.

Somehow I think it is going to be a bumpy ride.

Labels: family, moving on after cancer

I am saddened at the passing of one of my dearest friends, Lori. Lori was an amazing and brave young woman who faced cancer bravely and defiantly. She and her husband, Cary, left no stone unturned trying every traditional and alternative approach to fighting cancer. Although the majority of their marriage was spent battling Lori’s disease, their story is not about cancer, but about enduring, pure, unconditional love. Nothing can destroy that, not even cancer.

I will miss you, sweet Lori.

Labels: internet friends

Since I live in California I am not usually tipped off to the change of months by the a change in seasons or multicolored fall leaves. I typically first notice the new month in the grocery store. Long before I see the “women’s magazines” at the check out stands featuring stories about breast cancer survivors, I will have passed the pink-labeled soup display, the pink wrapped chocolates, and the other assorted pink items. In the last two decades, the month historically associated with pumpkins has given way to the pink ribbon.

This year is no different. Sunday morning after church I stopped in to the grocery store to pick up a few things. At the check out counter, the woman scanned my items and asked if I wanted to donate to their breast cancer campaign. I looked up and saw a curtain of pink cards emblazoned with the names of loved ones. It was only October 1st and already there were a couple hundred cards backed by generous donations. How many will line the store before the month is up?

For me, breast cancer awareness month has come to symbolize community support. When I see the pink merchandise and the fundraising campaigns, I think of all the people whose lives were saved by the awareness the month generates. I am reminded of the all the women who have had the opportunity for screenings as result of the fund raising. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to all of the generous people who opened their hearts and wallets to donate to research. Most of all, I am humbled by the tiny pink ribbon that reminded me to be vigilant and to recognize the urgency when I felt that little lump three and half years ago.

So today, even if you feel bombarded with the pink power of October, make that appointment for your mammogram. You are worth it.

Labels: awareness

The Lance Armstrong Foundation is once again bringing the fight against cancer to the forefront of our national conscience. The Livestrong Presidential Cancer Forum will take place today and tomorrow (broadcast on MSNBC). For the first time in history, presidential hopefuls will come together to discuss their plans for a national cancer policy. The debate will be moderated by Lance Armstrong and Hardball's Chris Matthews.

Let's face it, we are still more than a year away from the election and it already feels like there have been a number of forums/debates; however, I believe this forum is important for many reasons. As I have gone through the various stages of cancer treatment and recovery, I have learned quite clearly just how political an issue it is. Everything from what drugs are available to what is covered under Medicaid or what your insurance company is required to provide for you are government funded or government mandated. Our government has made medical decisions on my behalf so it is important for me to fully understand the candidates' positions prior to casting my vote.

If you had the chance, what questions would you ask the candidates? You can explore questions posed by a panel of experts at MyBreastCancerNetwork.com. Go on, visit them and post your comments to their questions. And don't forget to tune in to MSNBC on television or webcast at 10:00 a.m. CT for the Livestrong Presidential Cancer Forum. For some background on each of the participating candidates, you can check out this article I wrote for MyBreastCancerNetwork.com.

Congratulations to the Lance Armstrong Foundation for all their efforts in creating this historic event.

Labels: awareness, politics, Spreading the love

Dear Rosie,

Over the last few years a conversation you had with a friend continues to resurface and each time it does, it feels as though I've been stabbed in the heart.

During your lawsuit over your magazine, it was reported that you stated to someone who had been recently diagnosed with cancer that she was a liar and that people who lie get cancer. Since that time you have clarified that statement as follows (taken from your blog):

“I had a conversation
with a friend/co worker
about how the physical and
spiritual r connected

that the darkness is where disease
lives

all humans lie”

“but to choose darkness
is to invite illness
i believe”

It sounds reasonable on the surface on some new-age level. In fact, I may have agreed with you . . . before I myself was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 39.

I don’t claim to have never veered to the dark side, but I disagree with your interpretation of the mind-body-spirit you-reap-what-you-sow connection in relationship to illness. I believe the connection may lie in your respect for yourself, which manifests itself in your respect for your body (diet, exercise, meditation, etc.). Honestly, if it were as simple as you claim, why isn’t every murderer on death row and every child molester writhing in pain from the most torturous cancer known to man?

I understand that it seems you are saying that in some metaphysical way, illness lives in the darkness and that by inviting more darkness into our lives through our actions we are creating a greater dwelling for illness. Howver, there is still a randomness in this theory that seems to effect some (those who seemingly invite little darkness -- Dana Reeves?) and don't effect others (those who seemingly dwell in tremendous darkness -- murderers et al.).

Let’s not forget genetic predisposition either. If I test positive for a cancer gene, something I was born with, at what point did I invite darkness or is it a result of my ancestors’ darkness? There are fatal gaps in your logic, Rosie.

You have great influence, Rosie, and you do many good things for many people. However, for those of us who have had to face cancer, suffer tremendously from the treatments, undergo multiple surgical procedures, and, if we are lucky enough, forever live under the threat of it returning, you have judged us harshly. You have told us that we brought it on ourselves. How do you know this? What science or research supports this? Can I be absolved of my sins and my cancer at the same time? Sadly, the people whom you influence will perpetuate this flawed belief of yours.

I do not believe you would have told that to your mother. Nor do I believe that in the unfortunate situation that someone else close to you is diagnosed with cancer, a sister, brother, childhood friend, wife, or child, that you would say it to them. I do not even believe you would use this unfortunate rationalization on yourself if you were faced with this dreaded disease.

Sadly, you chose the people who were already suffering, going through a living hell, facing their own mortality and announced that they did it to themselves; that their cancer was their own fault. I believe you have offended anyone who has ever had cancer and the people who love them.


Best Regards,

(Somewhat) Enlightened Cancer Survivor

Labels: awareness, cancer, Spreading the love

Many years ago when my family first moved to California, one of our relatives mailed my father a chestnut. While in transit, the chestnut sprouted. Never one to waste a thing, my father planted the little sprout in the front yard. The dry, hot California climate may not have been the best home for a chestnut tree; however, it's growth over the years has been a symbol of its indomitable spirit as well as a symbol of family history. We kept a piece of tradition and home with us as we emigrated to the US and eventually came to California. For me, a California native, it has been a link to family history that extended generations and across continents.

Labels: family, moving on after cancer

The latest addition to my collection looks like a hair under 5mm. Do you know how big 5mm is? Not much if you are measuring chocolate or gold, but kidney stones? That is huge! Huge, I tell you! In case you are wondering what that looks like, follow this link (though it is a bit fuzzy). I would post the picture directly, but isn't that a bit obnoxious? It's like, "Hey! Look what I made!"

Now if I can just figure out a way to ingest lots and lots of carbon, I can start making diamond kidney stones.

Labels: odds and ends

For the last two weeks I have worn my hair up. First time in three years. I know this must sound like mundane drivel for some (ok, nearly all of you), but for me it is significant. I have always had longer hair and being stripped to nothing was quite the change to say the least. Slowly but surely, the pieces fall back into place.

So the other day I had an unusual experience. I was wearing a t-shirt, sweats, and running shoes (très glam!) when I popped into my local California style fruit ‘n nut grocer. I had placed my sunglasses in the front of my shirt while I perused the produce. The produce man strikes up a conversation with me while I attempt to pick out the freshest artichokes without getting pinched by them. While chatting, I see perhaps the world’s most perfect fennel bulb and head over to scoop it up. The conversation continues as I load up my mostly organic haul. With my attention no longer distracted by vegetables and melons, I look at the man and notice that he is clearly checking out the cleavage. This is the first time in two and a half years I remember this happening or perhaps acknowledge that it is even possible that anyone might care to look.

And finally, after three years of blogging and more than 200,000 hits, of all the people who have stopped by and left a comment or sent me an email, I have never met anyone like Suzy who emailed me last evening. She bears the distinction of being the first person completely lacking in compassion and class to contact me. For the record, I don’t blog so that people will feel sorry for me. I started this blog much like many others who have faced a life threatening illness so that I could keep others updated and share my experience with the 200,000 other women who will be diagnosed each year. If my experience seems trivial to you, then don’t read it. Seems like a much simpler solution than expending so much negative energy spewing venom via email.

Now, I am going out to enjoy the summer rain which is only the second time in my life I remember a summer rain in Southern California. Although it is humid in our normally dry heat climate, the rain seems cleansing today. The sticky heat, the muted sunshine, and warm rain drops are a change from the routine. Change can do us all good. Even if it causes us to put our hair up.