When I started this blog in 2004, I was on a mission to educate myself, my family, and anyone who would listen (or read) about the challenges of a breast cancer diagnosis. In my heart I always believed it would be a triumphant story with a happy ending. Then when I was “done” with treatment and all things breast cancer, it would be time to end my blog and move on with my life.

Along the way I have learned there is no “done” when it comes to cancer. It is an ugly, dark rain cloud that follows you no matter how fast you try to run away. It lurks above casting a shadow of doubt and darkness. After four years as a survivor I learned the secret to moving on was not running from the clouds, but learning to dance in the rain. There is no escaping the cloud, but you can take the wisdom you have gained, let go of the doubt and darkness so you can embrace life by defiantly dancing in spite of the rain.

So I began to move forward toward the five-year goal of survivorship. I felt myself shedding the cocoon, my arms and legs unfurling, the dance beginning, and then at a regular check-up, we found a new lump. Quite a large lump. Today I found out it is indeed cancer. No matter how hard I try to keep dancing, my feet, as well as my heart, are heavy and my arms motionless. I know the music is there, but I can’t hear it. I feel only constant drops of rain hitting with such force it pits my skin.

With slow, burdensome steps, I will continue to dance. It’s a different rhythm, familiar yet unknown, and I trod along.

Labels: moving on after cancer, Recurrence