Treatment came and went in what now feels like the blink of an eye. In these last couple of months I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my cancer journey and how it has changed my life. After my first diagnosis in 2004, I ran, scared, half-believing I was going to be okay, and tried to pick up where my life left off before cancer. I wanted cancer to go away so I could wipe the slate clean as though it never existed, but that was rather difficult. No matter how much I crammed into my life, cancer wouldn't be squeezed out. First thee was the lengthy reconstruction process and then there was the Tamoxifen. I hated Tamoxifen. I'd like to think I don't "hate" anything, but I hated that drug. I was tired, achy, had pain in my legs and joints, sweaty hot flashes, and just general malaise. I tried to push through and move forward, but BAM!, cancer reared its ugly head again.

This time was going to be different. I was going to be a brave conquering warrior through every step. I worked out nearly every day in my fierce "Chemolicious" t-shirt and Harley Davidson do-rag (a gift of battle gear from a dear friend) to cover the blinding baldness. I made it through tedious radiation treatments and survived painful significant burns to my neck and axilla. And through it all, like many other women, I carried on with my life: working, volunteering, taking care of family( as they all took care of me). Beyond making a decision that cancer would not stop me, I made a decision to be kind to myself and nurture myself along the way. To teach myself how to do this (because you know I am a classic "do everything for others and make yourself the lat priority kind of gal"), I planted a garden. I had to learn how to care for the plants and how to help them grow and blossom. How much water did they need? How much sun? Did they need nutrients or more soil? I couldn't put it aside for later. I had to daily tend to the needs. Each day I saw progress. It became a great metaphor for taking care of myself.

Along the way, I saw reminders that I was loved and not going through this alone. Whether it was encouraging cards or visits or phone calls, random acts of kindness, or special messages sent from....well, I can't answer that. Was it from the Universe? God? My mom? An angel? The hearts that were sent in my path randomly made me feel loved and secure no matter who sent them. And they keep coming.


As I have written before, they come in all shapes and sizes. Whether it was something on the sidewalk that had my doggies' attention ...











Or making an appearance in a piece of veggie bacon...











Or yes, the ultimate of visions.....

Labels: moving on after cancer, Signs